Loneliness
by Caphriel
Summary: As Rei walks home from school, she thinks about loneliness, and about the events of the day. Through the lens of her recent experiences, she comes to a conclusion about herself, and her life. ShinjiRei


Disclaimer - I own the plot, and the story. Evangelion is not mine, nor are the characters.

This story pairs Shinji and Rei.

Loneliness

By Caphriel

'What is loneliness?'

'Why am I lonely?'

'Why am I lonely now, when I never have been before?'

'Have I always been lonely, and just not known it?'

Rei Ayanami walked down a deserted street in Tokyo-3, on her way home from school. It was the same street she walked down every day. Every day that she went to school, that is. Her face was set in the same blank expression that it held every day, as well, and thus gave no clue as to the turmoil behind it.

'Why? I don't understand. Why am I lonely now, as I walk home? Why does the prospect of being in my apartment alone bother me? Why? Why do I care now, when I didn't before? What happened today, that makes me care?'

As Rei Ayanami walked down a deserted street in Tokyo-3, her mind traveled back the way she came. Her body automatically carried her onward, while her mind ventured back into the past.

_Rei stopped in front of the door to the school, and stood staring at it, her face it's usual blank mask. She was unable to open the door. She wasn't afraid of what was on the other side, nor was she too weak to open them. It was merely that after being absent for a week, her hands were full of textbooks and homework assignments._

_Rei stared at the door. She could not pull them open with her hands full. If she put something down to open the door, it would become covered in mud from last night's rain. That was unacceptable. So she stood in front of the doors, staring at them, unsure of what to do._

_A crowd of students suddenly bustled past her, talking loudly. They opened the door, but it closed before she could enter. So she stood outside and waited._

_After several minutes of waiting, a trio of girls pushed past her, and entered the building. As she struggled to maintain her balance without dropping anything, the door closed again. She stared at it._

_"Good morning, Ayanami."_

_She turned her head to see Shinji Ikari approaching from her side._

_"Ikari," she acknowledged his greeting, and returned to staring at the door._

_"I'm glad to see you made it to school today, Ayanami. You've been absent all week."_

_She stopped listening, distracted by what she had heard._

_'He said that he was ... glad to see me. Why would he say that? Why would he care?'_

_She realized that he was still talking, and flushed slightly._

_"What did you say?"_

_"Is there something wrong with the door?" Shinji repeated._

_"No."_

_"Then why are you staring at it?" he asked._

_In response, Rei looked down at the pile of books in her arms._

_"Oh." Now Shinji blushed. "We're going to be late for class."_

_"I know," Rei replied calmly._

_Shinji stepped around her and pulled open the door, staying behind it as he did so that he could hold it open._

_"What are you doing?" Rei asked._

_"I'm holding the door open so you can get into the school," Shinji replied, feeling a little foolish at having to explain something so obvious._

_"I...see..."_

_Rei stepped through the door and headed to their classroom; Shinji followed a few steps behind her._

'I still don't understand. Shinji held the door for me. Why did he do that? Is that what made me feel lonely?'

As her body carried her along the rode, Rei's mind searched back again, looking for the cause of her loneliness.

_'Odd. I though it was in here.' Rei began restacking textbooks and notebooks in her bag. 'Oh, well.'_

_"Is something wrong, Rei?"_

_'Ikari.' She shook her head. "No, nothing is wrong."_

_"Oh. It seemed like you were looking for something."_

_"I cannot find my lunch. I believe I may have left it on the table at home while I was packing my homework."_

_"Oh." He seemed sad. "Won't you be hungry?"_

_"Probably. But it shouldn't interfere with my work."_

_Would... would you like something to eat?" She looked at him. "I... I have an extra... I make two every morning. Usually Asuka takes one, but she wasn't feeling well, and stayed home today. I brought the second one, anyway, though. Do you want it?"_

_"I... would," she replied softly._

_"O-okay. Here." He fumbled it out of his bag, and placed on her desk, and turned to go._

_"Ikari." Her voice stopped him. "I appreciate it."_

'Why? Why did I feel the need to tell him that his gift mattered to me? Why did he bother? Why give it to me? Why was he there? He should have left already.'

Rei continued her journey, and her search for answers.

_Rei wandered through the halls of the school. She had finished her lunch quickly, as usual, but she found that staring out the window held none of its usual appeal. Overcome by restlessness, she had left the classroom, guided by nothing but a vague sense of unease._

_After a few minutes of walking, she found herself on the roof. That was not an unexpected result, as she often went there to think. She leaned against the railing, but to her displeasure, she didn't know what to think about._

_"Ayanami?"_

_She turned her head toward the door to the roof._

_"Ikari," she acknowledged._

_"What are you doing here?" Shinji asked._

_"Thinking," she replied. 'Why did I answer that?'_

_Silently, he leaned on the railing a few feet away from her._

_'Why is he still here? Why didn't he ask permission before ending my solitude? Why don't I mind?' She watched the clouds go by. 'Now I have something to think about. _

_When the bell rang, signaling the end of their break, they returned to the classroom without speaking to each other._

'I think I understand. When he joined me at the railing, he offered his company. By not moving away, or telling him to leave, I accepted. But why did he offer his company to me? That I do not understand.'

Rei focused harder on her memories, and less on where her feet carried her. After all, where she was going was familiar, but her memories held secrets.

_"Are you alright?"_

_Rei paused in her collection of her scattered belongings, and looked up from where she knelt on the floor._

_"I am fine." She returned to collecting her things._

_"That's good."_

_She picked up the pens strewn across the floor, and reached for the textbooks she had dropped, but they weren't there. She looked up to see Shinji holding them out to her._

_"Here."_

_She took them with a nod, and turned to leave._

_"Ayanami?"_

_"Yes?" She faced him, motionless._

_"Do you need help with that?" He gestured to the stack of school materials in her arms, a testament to the mercilessness of their teachers._

_"No. I am capable of completing my own assignments," she replied coolly._

_He blushed. "I meant, do you need help carrying all of that?" he clarified._

_"No. I am capable of carrying it by myself," she replied in the same disinterested tone._

_"Oh." _

_He watched as she began walking away._

_"Ayanami?" His voice stopped her, just outside the school._

_"Yes, Ikari?" Her voice held what could have been a slight undertone of irritation._

_"Would you like help carrying your books home?"_

_"Ikari..." She trailed off. "I believe that I would not mind. But, isn't that Major Katsuragi's car?"_

_"Yes." He seemed disappointed. "I suppose she is here to get me." He headed for Misato's car, but Rei stopped him._

_"Ikari?" He looked at her questioningly. "Thank you... for the offer."_

_He looked shocked for a moment, then nodded, and walked to where Misato was waiting for him noticeably more cheerful than he had been before._

'For the second time in my life, words of gratitude. I understand now. Ikari cares about me. No one has ever cared about me before. No one has ever shown anything beyond a professional interest in my well being. That is why...'

Rei stopped walking, and looked at the door in front of her.

'This... is not my apartment.'

She turned away, but didn't move.

'This is not my apartment, but perhaps...'

She turned back to the door and knocked.

'Loneliness is... the knowledge of being alone.'

The door opened.

"Hello? Rei?!" Misato sounded surprised.

"Is Ikari here, Major Katsuragi?" Rei asked.

"Y-yes. I'll get him."

Misato turned, and disappeared into the apartment.

'I am lonely because I am alone.' She stood outside, and waited.

The door opened again. Shinji stood on the other side, surprise clearly evident on his face.

"Ayanami? What are you doing here?" Shinji's voice betrayed his astonishment.

"I am lonely." He gaped. 'I have always been lonely.'

"I do not wish to be lonely."

"Ayanami?"

'Today, you showed me what it is like not to be alone.' She tried to clear her thoughts. "If I return to my apartment now, I would be alone."

He looked at her. He could see that she was thinking about something, and wondered what it was.

"Yes, you would," he agreed, to cover his lack of understanding.

"If you return to my apartment with me, I will not be lonely." His eyes widened. 'With you, I am not lonely. I can be... happy.'

They stood there, one outside, the other within, watching each other, for a moment that lasted forever.

"Shinji?" Misato's voice shattered the endless instant. "You can't just stand there with the door open."

He nodded, and stepped inside.

Rei stood outside, staring at the door again, waiting.

'He does not wish to come. Why does this make me unhappy?'

On the other side of the door, Misato interrogated Shinji.

"What did she want?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," the boy replied. "She said she was lonely."

"That's it?"

"Well, no... She said that if I went back to her apartment with her, she wouldn't be..."

"You blockhead!" Misato exclaimed. "She was inviting you to her apartment! Now go out there and tell her you'll go!" She pushed him towards the door.

'Ayanami... wants to spend time with me?'

"Yes, of course." He opened the door, and stepped outside.

Shinji found himself staring into Rei's crimson eyes.

"Ayanami?" She raised an eyebrow at him. He nodded.

As they stood outside, in the moment of time before their departure, about to return to her apartment, which, for today, would not seem empty, she allowed her emotions to show, just a little.

Rei smiled.

End

Thank you for reading this. Comments are appreciated.


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